Change is Good. Haven’t We Figured That Out Yet?

Shocking Fact: I am a Facebook user.

Yes, amazingly, this 21-year-old college senior has an account on America’s second most popular social networking site. I used to have a Myspace page, too, until I realized I was doing all my “social networking” on Facebook anyway, which has a much more pleasing layout and doesn’t bombard me with porn spam.

Even more incredibly (especially for anyone who knows me), I was on Facebook before it was cool. I joined up in the summer of 2005, just when it was gathering momentum. Back then, you had to be in college to join! In fact, it was so early in Facebook’s life that there were quite a few colleges not registered for it, cursing those school’s students to a life of personal interaction.

We all know what happened after that: as more and more college life began to move online, more and more people began clamoring to use the service; eventually, Facebook was opened up to the general public and everyone and their mother (including my mother) joined. So what was once a cool way for college students to share pictures of each other drunkenly making out with strangers and make plans for the weekend has now become the sort of place where your boss makes “funny” posts on your wall and 13-year-olds poke each other incessantly because they think it’s amusing. (Facebook Rule Number One, people: never “poke” someone unless you actually want to fuck them!)

Meanwhile, Facebook creator and college student Mark “Richy McFuckFace” Zuckerberg increased his net worth from $37 and a tuna sandwich to $1.5 billion, even though he totally stole the program from Seth Green when he was sleeping.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, Facebook unveiled its new look, and ever since, people on it have been going apeshit about it. Not by actually doing anything, but rather by writing about how much they hate New Facebook…on New Facebook. Mostly by doing what people always do on Facebook when they want to rally together – joining groups. Currently, the most popular is called “1,000,000 Against The New Facebook Layout,” which is rather modest considering it actually has 2,407,758 members; there’s also “Petition Against The New Facebook,” which boasts 1,542,122 members, and “I Hate The New Facebook,” with 1,378,088 members.

So given all this hubbub, you’d think these changes must be pretty drastic – the online equivalent of New Coke, right? Well, not quite. Basically, they just moved the buttons around a little, changed the size of the windows, stuff like that. The biggest difference is on people’s profiles – instead of displaying all of a person’s info/conversations/pictures/random shit on one page, it splits it up into a couple different tabs. Personally, I think it’s a good thing; profiles were getting fucking huge, between the dozens of quotes and goofy applications people tacked on there.

But if you don’t like it, that’s totally fair – you’re entitled to your opinion as much as I am. Likewise, if you’d like to half-assedly protest by tacking your name onto a list of two million other people then calling it a day, be my guest. But when CNN posts YouTube videos from their iDiotic iReporters on the front page of their website, it’s being blown out of proportion.

There’s a hell of a lot of better things to put on the front page of CNN’s website than some bullshit about people whining because the online community that’s sucking the last scraps of creativity and desire for human interaction out of America’s youth decided to change so drastically it takes you FIVE FUCKING MINUTES to figure out how everything works. Here’s n idea, CNN: How about just a big, banner headline that says “BUSH ADMINISTRATION CONSISTENTLY LIED TO NATION, DRASTICALLY ABUSED POWER AND DESTROYED THE CREDIBILITY OF AMERICA AS AN INTELLIGENT NATION WHILE TEARING THE COUNTRY APART WITH PARTISAN POLITICS. ALSO, THEIR REFUSAL TO ACKNOWLEDGE REALITY MAY HAVE DOOMED US ALL.” 

I know it’s a little long. It’d probably have to be a scrolling headline, like when your iPod displays a really long song name. But for the love of God, it would do a lot more for the mental health of this country than this Facebook crap.

As for those of you out there who’ve joined Facebook groups to protest this change, I have news for you. The people in charge really don’t have to take notice when 1% of you are unhappy. Jesus, 70% of Americans are unhappy with George W. Bush, and see how much he cares?

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