We need to do something about smokers. It’s time to cut this shit out, people. It’s disgusting. The smell of cigarette smoke is probably the third-worst smell on the planet, surpassed only by the smell of old cigarette butts and AXE spray deodorant.
Now, if the smell just happened to stay with the smokers, that’d be one thing. If I found myself close enough to smell them, I’d walk away. But the damn smell carries forever, because these assholes are literally blowing it into the atmosphere as though they were small chemical plants in desperate need of a mint. Which means that you can’t simply keep from smelling it by not associating with these people.
And what boggles my mind is that people are still smoking. Even after years and years of being told how bad it is for you, hearing how cigarette smoke contains 4000 toxins, after learning it kills 5 million people a year, after seeing those really creepy ads on TV where the old lady is still smoking through her tracheotomy hole (which I would try and post, but it’s too fucking creepy for me to look it up), there are still people out there who are smoking the goddamn things!
And if it was just old people who started back in the 50s when doctors said cigarettes were good for you because they helped control hunger and fought communist red blood cells inside your body, I’d be willing to cut them some slack. After all, nicotine is one of the more addictive drugs out there, and if you’ve been on the nicotine train forty years or more, I doubt getting off is particularly easy.
But it’s the people who are just starting to smoke that blow my mind. Look around – most of the smokers I see aren’t old folks – they’re fuckin’ kids! People in their twenties and teens, sucking down smoke like it’s the key to six-pack abs and peace in the Middle East. This is utterly retarded. Every one of these kids must know cigarettes are bad for them, yet they do it anyway – and the rest of us are the ones who end up having to put up with their airborne, particulate crap.
That’s why I propose an annual “Punch A Smoker” day. New York City should be the one to start this – we’ve already got some of the strictest anti-smoking laws in the country, and every New Yorker’s got enough repressed frustration in them to take a swing at somebody. (Hell, the subway alone will piss you off enough to go a few rounds with Apollo Creed.) And since so many of today’s smokers are yuppie douchebags, this’ll give the old New Yorkers a chance to work through some of that pent-up anger at watching their city get swallowed up by coffee bars while their rents go through the roof.
Anyway, on Punch A Smoker Day, if you see anybody smoking outside, you get to take a swing at him or her. However, there are a few rules to this:
First, you only get one punch per smoker; this isn’t supposed to be a bloodbath, just a friendly five-fingered reminder to our neighborhood cigarette users of what they’re doing to our noses and lungs. No brass knuckles, no curb-stomping, no Macing, no Tazering, no clubbing with baseball bats, no gunning down, no detonating, no acid-scarring, no boomeranging (or bataranging), no lynching, no running down, no stabbing, no farting in their faces, no sticking into wood chippers, no attack dogs, no attack Velociraptors, no robot assassins from the future, and most definitely no strangulation between the thighs of Russian agents who look like Famke Janssen. Just one punch, anywhere on the body.
Second, no hitting people of the opposite sex. Guys, hitting women isn’t cool, even if they’re smoking; and ladies, if men are gonna be asked to abstain from hitting you, you should return the favor. There’s plenty of smokers of each sex to be decked – no need to cross gender lines. (Transvestites and transsexuals should stick to the gender they identify closest with.)
Third, pipe- and cigar-smokers are exempt from being hit. The problem here lies with cigarettes, not the other forms of tobacco. After all, pipe smoke is rather pleasant, isn’t it?
Fourth, no cheap shots. The smoker has to be able to see you coming – no sneaking up from behind, no hitting in the back. And no hitting in the reproductive organs – let the cigarette poisons render the smokers infertile, not your fists.
Finally, if a smoker extinguishes his or her cigarette and swears that he or she has learned a lesson and will not smoke again in public, he or she must be left unmolested. However, the smoker in question must put the cigarette out, preferably by dropping it to the ground and crushing it out with his or her foot. If he or she simply drops it, a non-smoker must request the smoker put it out first; only if he or she does not comply can the non-smoker let fly.
Hopefully, this initiative will catch on in other major metropolitan areas, until Punch A Smoker Day becomes a national phenomenon. Tobacco lobbyists will probably try and keep Congress from passing any national measure in favor of the issue, so we’re gonna have to try and build grassroots support at first.
Now, I know there will be people out there who will say that it’s “immoral” to punch people for smoking cigarettes, that it’s “mean-spirited” and “cruel.” They have a basis in fact, I’ll be the first to admit. But is a single punch going to do more harm to someone than years of cigarette smoking? Hit someone once, they might be bruised for a week or two. But cigarettes cause, and this is from a 2004 press release by Secretary of Health & Human Services Tommy Thompson, “abdominal aortic aneurysm, acute myeloid leukemia, cataract, cervical cancer, kidney cancer, pancreatic cancer, pneumonia, periodontitis, and stomach cancer…in addition to…bladder, esophageal, laryngeal, lung, oral, and throat cancers, chronic lung diseases, coronary heart and cardiovascular diseases, as well as reproductive effects and sudden infant death syndrome.”
The statement goes on to say, “smoking harms nearly every organ of the body, causing many diseases and reducing the health of smokers in general,” and adds that “quitting smoking has immediate as well as long-term benefits, reducing risks for diseases caused by smoking and improving health in general.”
And what would be a better motivation to quit then getting punched in the face?