Zombies: Completely Illogical!

During my break in London, (more on that later) my mind turned to zombies.

Now, this might not be as unusual as you might think. Quite a few zombie films of recent days have taken place in England’s capital, from the satirical (Shaun of the Dead) to the revisionist (28 Days Later).

Only Two Things Can Stop a Zombie:

And clearly, the city’s done a great deal of repairing since those nasty zombie plagues hit. I didn’t see a hint of evidence anywhere of the man-eating hordes that once lined the streets.

(Of course, New York has done a wonderful job fixing up all that Godzilla-related damage from ten years ago, so I shouldn’t really be surprised, I guess.)

But as I was thinking about zombies, I started wondering about how they, in fact, work. I know, I know, it seems like a stupid thing to waste brainpower on, but I was curious.

So let’s define the basics of zombies, shall we?

Zombies are dead individuals animated back to some form of life by a certain external force (magic, viral infection, etc.)

The “zombie infection” spreads when a zombie bites a living being, thus causing the infection to overtake the victim and rapidly kill them while almost simultaneously reanimating their remains.

Zombies require the flesh of living organisms to function. Deprived of this food, they cease to function. They are incapable of eating other zombies.

Zombies are almost constantly in need of more food.

So, here’s my question. If zombies require living flesh to exist, yet every living being they bite rapidly transforms into a zombie, where are they getting all this food?

It seems like there’d have to be some sort of “grace period,” if you will, after a zombie bites someone where they would stay dead before their tissues become zombified, if you will. Otherwise, they’d never be able to get more than a bite of two out of their victims before he/she would also become a zombie and thus become inedible.

But you never see that in the movies, do you? It’s always, poof, one bite and instantly poor Mr. Hopper from down the street is transformed into another mindless member of the undead horde.

So, there you go. In the event of “zombiocalypse,” as it’s called, your best defense against zombies lies in convincing them of their own implausibility.

That, or a shotgun.

Always Prepared


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